30 Days Catch Up Part 2

Continuing with catching up on the 30 Days...

Sunday's reflection was about love from others, and how that can feed in to self-love. Tina's

prompt for this reflection was:

"Reflect on who loves you and what they see in you. Do you have trouble believing it and accepting what they see whole-heartedly? Try to think of all those wonderful things about you that others care for and use those to fuel your day."

This one was, admittedly, really difficult for me to put in to an entry, because it's hitting in to an insecurity of mine that is currently front and center in my life. I've started and deleted this one multiple times, because each time I thought I had something going for this entry, I realized I wasn't secure enough in what I was saying to be able to confidently post this.

I guess the long and short of it is that I have a really hard time accepting the fact that other people actually do love me, and can love me just the way I am. It's felt like most of my life, I've had to change to fit in with a group and gain what I viewed to be acceptance and love. Not always--there are the days when the rational part of me takes over, and I feel like I have the greatest group of people in the world in my life, and I feel confident and happy in all the love around me that I share with them. Then there are other, insecure days when I just feel so alone, and no matter how hard I try I can't find that feeling of love anymore.

But, then I think of the little moments along the way that shows me that, even when I feel the most alone, I do have love. I think of 2 friends sitting in the parking lot across the street on a "stake out" during a particularly hard confrontation between me and my ex. I think of the friend who opened up her apartment and her free time to me when I needed to get out of my old house and start getting past the end of my engagement. I think of the friends who have asked me to stand up with them when they got married. I think of the family and significant other who just spent a rainy, windy, miserably cold Saturday morning chasing me around the city of Marquette to support me as I accomplished a life goal. Then I think about how many cold, rainy Saturday mornings or Tuesday afternoons that the same family was there for countless races, even if the rebellious teenager in me acted like I didn't want them there. I think of the caring, wonderful boyfriend who has been patiently by my side for the last year and a half, guiding me through the various traumas of life-post-graduation and helping me to see that this relationship is not like my last one, and that to make him happy, all I have to be is myself.

I can't for the life of me see what they all see in me, but I am so thankful that they do see it and that they are all there. I love them all more than they will ever, ever know.