These dreams...

Hello!

First off, I just want to say that I've decided to change how I go about the 30 DSLR. I have decided that I am going to keep going, but I am going to treat it as a private journal exercise. There are several reasons behind that decision, but what it boils down to is that I couldn't really dive in too deeply and really explore this with the pressure of knowing others were going to read it. I know, I shouldn't worry, but I did and I do. If there's one that I do that comes out fantastic and I feel I should share, I absolutely will. :)

Moving on...

I have been having some crazy, crazy dreams lately. Last night, I was back in what my brain was processing to be Marquette. I had just gotten my shifts at work (and Lakeview was now more of a pet shelter than an ice arena...), and I was wandering around the Cedarville Townhomes. One of the houses had been converted in to a small shop. From that shop, I stole a half empty packet of cookies (Cinnamon-Lemon, to be specific), and took off running through Cedarville to find my truck. After tearing through all of it (and at this point, it was starting to look more like the apartments where Brandon used to live, and there were stuffed animals everywhere...) I found my truck--being driven by the lady who owned the shop. I started sobbing, she accused me of being mentally ill, I apologized profusely, she offered to forgive me only if I promised to be her friend. I agreed to, of course, but she didn't believe me... and then we turned by the mall in Marquette and in to an Arby's, taking my truck right in to the restaurant and in to the line, still screaming at each other and me still crying.

Yeah. That's actually on the more NORMAL end of what I've been having. Despite the threat of jail, it was better because of who didn't make his appearance.

Yeah, I've been having dreams with he-who-must-not-be-named in them again. The two most memorable were

-the one where he was threatening me with a hammer. I don't remember why, he was just threatening me with a hammer.

-my family had sold everything of ours and moved in to a new house by the Civic Center in TC. I was back with him, and my family was happy (!!) about that, whereas I was shocked, horrified, and completely heartbroken.

Yeah. I guess it's a good thing that a dream about being back with him and everyone being OK with that is considered a nightmare, though, eh?

I have been thinking about him a lot lately. As I've been adjusting to living with Brandon, it has been bringing back a lot of memories of 3 years ago. (Disclaimer: this has been NOTHING like 3 years ago. It has been the OPPOSITE of 3 years ago.) I'll just have these moments when he pops in to my head. He's been popping up on Facebook, too! No, I'm not friends with him-I had re-added him at one point, but I realized I had no good reason to be in touch with him, let alone friends, so I cut him out again. It's been a good 3-4 months since I've said a word to him. However, he's been showing up. You know that little window on the side of the page where it shows the people your friend has as a friend? He's been there more often than not when I'm looking at the page of someone from NMU. It's kind of annoying, really. Just go away, OK?

All right. Off to take on a big project. I'm hoping to surprise Brandon, so keep your fingers crossed it's a good surprise and not a bad one! ;)

Hello!

Just a basic post today--I have 2 or 3 DSLR posts in the draft stage, but I'm waaay to ADD to put together anything truly worthy of being posted under that label right now. So, Tina, if you're reading this, I'm still in! I'm just having a hard time taking the incoherent reflecting and making a coherent post!

So, how about just a general "So, what's new with you, LindseyAnn?" post? OK!

Well, I'm sure anyone reading this already knows, but I rocked the FACE off of my half-marathon last week! Seriously, aside from the crazy weather, I don't know how it could have been a better experience, and I can't wait to do another one! (Well, I can, and my legs would appreciate it a lot if I did, but you get my point...). I recapped the whole experience over on my running blog, so if you're interested, check it out!

I'm still kind of getting in the swing of life in the Copper Country. It's a bit lonely, as I'm the only person I know up here that isn't a Tech student and busy with school, but I'm starting to meet people and make friends! Brandon met a Finnish exchange student through one of his classes, and we spent Monday "Copper Country cruising*" with him and his wife. Then, when Brandon had to go to his Monday night hockey, I went to a BBQ with them and met a ton of other exchange students. It was great, and the exchange students are hilarious and awesome! The four of us are also going to a soccer game tonight, so... yay, social life?

Speaking of soccer games, I went to the Tech-NMU women's soccer game the other night. I started off sitting in the midst of the Techies, which was a BIG mistake. Sorry, but I miss Wildcat sports, and I want to CHEER for my teams, so I wound up moving over by some Wildcat parents that made the trip, and they were super friendly and happy to have me join their forces. The 'Cats won 4-1 over the brand new Husky team, so that was awesome!

But, back to the relocating... adjusting to the tiny apartment we're in now has been interesting, as has adjusting from being long distance to live-in. All in all, it is going well, but I think I'll feel better overall once subbing picks up and I am not here by myself as much. I am, however, returning to the Marquette area for a week coming up here to cover a week long subbing gig back at GHS! I'm kind of excited to get back to "my" old school and see everyone again.

So, yeah, that's what's new and good up here! :)

Have fun, kids!

30 Days--2 for 1, Perspective and Perfection

More 30 Days Catch Up! I did skip a few days (I believe I'm still missing last Friday's and this past Monday's), but I'm going to get to those later. Yesterday, I tried to crank these out and get all caught up at once, and it did not go well. I was so focused on just getting the posts done that I was missing the whole point of an exercise like this--I wasn't really reflecting or giving it any true thought, but just answering a question with the first thing that came to mind. That's not right, and that's not the whole point of a reflection exercise!!

So, moving on...

I noticed as I was working on the Perspective reflection, I was also hitting on the issues I wanted to discuss in the Perfection reflection, so I've decided that I am going to combine them.

For me, it seems as if these two topics go hand in hand. When it comes to doing or trying things, I tend to have this default viewpoint: “If it’s not easy or doesn’t seem to come to me naturally, I must not be good at it, so why am I wasting my time?” I see this obsessive and crippling fear of not achieving perfection in almost all the areas of my life, but there are three that I can really see this perspective affecting me negatively.

When I was young, I had no doubts in my mind that I was a writer, and that I could write very well. So, when it came time to start applying for college and for me to consider a career, something in writing seemed to be a natural choice. In the end, I opted for an English/Secondary Education major--that way, I could study and pursue my dream of writing, but I would have the teaching certificate to fall back on to have some kind of job (and we won’t even discuss how that has backfired for me). However, as I progressed in college, I noticed that my writing was being stifled. In retrospect, it was definitely this viewpoint combined with poor support from some of my instructors and peers. I felt that not having an immediate answer to a prompt must mean I’m stupid--wouldn’t a good, smart writer immediately know what she wants to say about this topic? Also, when I couldn’t produce a perfect draft on the first shot, or say exactly the right thing, it must have meant I was a bad writer--someone who is good at this would have hit it on the first try, right? Now, as someone who earned her English Education degree, I know all about the writing process, and how drafting and editing is essential. I even told students along the way that it was OK to go back and fix things, but I could not do that for myself. I expected perfection, and when I (naturally) didn’t achieve that on the first try, I just thought it was my fault, and that I had no talent. This eventually meant that, aside from what I was required to do for my coursework, I stopped writing. Why keep doing it if I’m not that good?
In terms of fitness and being active, this “if it doesn’t come easy, I must not be good at it” viewpoint has hit hard. It has held me back from trying new things, especially in front of people. It even has hit me with running: I’m slow. I run a 5K in 29 minutes. If I’m this slow, why am I bothering with this, and how do I dare call myself a runner? I look silly doing yoga or Pilates--I dropped my yoga class before I even had a chance to go, and quit Pilates after one awkward session with this justification: I don’t know what I’m doing, so why am I doing this?
Finally--as I’ve moved out on my own and had my own kitchen to work in, I’ve found myself really drawn to cooking and baking. However, true to my form, I wind up just staring longingly in to the cupboards and at my pans as I eat yet another sandwich or bowl of cereal. Occasionally, I’ll get brave and try something, but often if I go beyond the simple, I end up with something charred, or completely fallen apart, or in one case a second degree steam burn that literally and figuratively left me scarred for life. Now, living with my boyfriend has added to this crippling insecurity--what if he doesn’t like it? It’s one thing if I screw up and I’m the only one who has to taste it, now I ruin someone else’s meal, too? Therefore, I don’t try, and when I do the whole time I’m thinking, “this is just going to taste bad--why am I wasting food by trying this if it doesn’t work and tastes horrible?”
What has that meant? Well, as I see it, I’m stifling my chances to grow in a lot of ways. Because I know I won’t be perfect at it, I’m not even letting myself try. I haven’t really written in years, outside of what I had to do for class. That was even itself a challenge, because the whole time I would doubt myself and my ability. I chose my degree because I wanted to be a writer, and now I find myself almost completely unable to write because I’m crippled by this insecurity! Or, I may holding myself back from something that I truly could be good at--or more importantly, that I could love--because I’m afraid I look silly and that I shouldn’t even try if it’s not something that comes naturally to me.
How many delicious recipes and meals have I missed because I’m afraid of “wasting” the food on the attempt? More over--how many recipes have I missed out on creating myself because I haven’t let myself even try to start to create it?
But, you know what? No more. And it’s not something I just decided sitting here at the computer writing this blog entry, but something I’ve been really trying to work on for quite a while. The cooking and fitness thing I have been working on since this spring, and while I know I still have a long way to go, I’m at least trying. The writing thing has been something I have come back to in the last few weeks, really since I got up to South Range and left my old life in Marquette behind. Since I am unsure if I have any business in a classroom, I am starting to make sure I write something every day, even if it is just a blog entry (and, actually, most days it usually is just a blog entry) to start and chase that long-lost dream of being a writer.
So, the new affirmation I’m working with: There is no shame in trying! It may not be perfect--a professor might find 17 errors in my grammar and syntax, my legs might not be quite far enough apart in Warrior II, and my attempt at an Oatmeal Breakfast Cookie might be slightly bland and a little gummy, but you know what? Today, I tried. Tomorrow, I’ll try again. There is no shame in giving something a shot.

30 Days Catch Up Part 2

Continuing with catching up on the 30 Days...

Sunday's reflection was about love from others, and how that can feed in to self-love. Tina's

prompt for this reflection was:

"Reflect on who loves you and what they see in you. Do you have trouble believing it and accepting what they see whole-heartedly? Try to think of all those wonderful things about you that others care for and use those to fuel your day."

This one was, admittedly, really difficult for me to put in to an entry, because it's hitting in to an insecurity of mine that is currently front and center in my life. I've started and deleted this one multiple times, because each time I thought I had something going for this entry, I realized I wasn't secure enough in what I was saying to be able to confidently post this.

I guess the long and short of it is that I have a really hard time accepting the fact that other people actually do love me, and can love me just the way I am. It's felt like most of my life, I've had to change to fit in with a group and gain what I viewed to be acceptance and love. Not always--there are the days when the rational part of me takes over, and I feel like I have the greatest group of people in the world in my life, and I feel confident and happy in all the love around me that I share with them. Then there are other, insecure days when I just feel so alone, and no matter how hard I try I can't find that feeling of love anymore.

But, then I think of the little moments along the way that shows me that, even when I feel the most alone, I do have love. I think of 2 friends sitting in the parking lot across the street on a "stake out" during a particularly hard confrontation between me and my ex. I think of the friend who opened up her apartment and her free time to me when I needed to get out of my old house and start getting past the end of my engagement. I think of the friends who have asked me to stand up with them when they got married. I think of the family and significant other who just spent a rainy, windy, miserably cold Saturday morning chasing me around the city of Marquette to support me as I accomplished a life goal. Then I think about how many cold, rainy Saturday mornings or Tuesday afternoons that the same family was there for countless races, even if the rebellious teenager in me acted like I didn't want them there. I think of the caring, wonderful boyfriend who has been patiently by my side for the last year and a half, guiding me through the various traumas of life-post-graduation and helping me to see that this relationship is not like my last one, and that to make him happy, all I have to be is myself.

I can't for the life of me see what they all see in me, but I am so thankful that they do see it and that they are all there. I love them all more than they will ever, ever know.

30 Days Catch Up Part 1

Hello!

I got a few days behind in my 30 Days because...

I did my half-marathon!! My time was 2:02:55, which was what I wanted, but far better than I expected!

This actually ties well in to what the 30 Days topic was for Saturday: Trusting Your Body.

The question Tina asked was "In what area do you know you need to trust your body more? How do you plan to do so today?"

Well, training for that race as a whole was an exercise in learning to trust my body. What I learned on Saturday, however, is that I need to trust that it is capable of far more than I realize sometimes!

Going in to the race, I had two targets in mind. The first was that I wanted to just finish the race. Even just finishing a half marathon is a great accomplishment! Especially when you take this in to consideration: 5 months ago, running 5 miles was a HUGE deal for me! Not saying that it isn't--it's still farther than a lot of people run, and for someone just starting out with running, that could be a long-term goal to work toward. However, even just getting to the starting line, going the distance, and crossing that finish line was my first objective and would have been enough of an accomplishment!

I did have a second goal, though: I wanted to finish around 2 hours. This goal, however, felt like it was out of reach. I thought this because during my training runs, I was averaging a far slower pace than I would have needed to reach the 2 hour window. So, standing at the starting line, I was pushing this thought out of my head and trying to keep focused on the first goal: finish.

As the race started and progressed, I kept fighting my body. It almost felt like something inside me knew something my mind couldn't grasp: I could go faster. I should be going faster. I was fighting it because, well, when you're at 3.5 miles of a 13.1 mile race, you shouldn't really be thinking "OK, time to go faster!", especially when you are only shooting to finish. However, at 5.5 miles, I felt like I couldn't fight it anymore. "OK, body, let's do this!", and I started to go at a faster pace. I kept it up, too!

Then, the moment came: I was entering back in to Presque Isle Park, and I had about 2.1 miles to go. I saw my mom, and she had her watch out. "You're at 1:45! You did it! You're doing it!" I was right on track to hit my goal of 2 hours! So, 17 minutes later, I crossed the finish line and accomplished BOTH of my goals. I trusted what my body was telling me during the race, and it got me where I wanted!

So, what have I learned? Not to let my mind always hold my body back. True, there will be times when I'll need to listen to that "hold back" instinct, but I am going to make a very concentrated effort to figure out when that instinct is kicking in because of insecurity or fear and when that instinct is kicking in for a real reason. For example, right now I'm raring to start running again, but I'm listening to what my mind is saying when it tells me that I'm 4 days out from the race and I should probably wait another day or 2 before I start again.

Stay tuned for the 2 other days I missed, and today's entry!

30 Days, Day 2

Good Morning!

On to day 2 of the 30 Days of Self Love Reflection!

Day 2-Gifts of the Body

It is so easy, especially as a woman, to hate your body. Society gives us umpteen reasons why we should want to change, and we're constantly bombarded with those images. But, what if we all took 5 minutes and looked beyond what we're told we should change and celebrate what is awesome about what is there?

So, I'm going to talk about 3 things that I have been teased about in the past, remove the stigmas placed on them by others, and thank them for what they do.

To start, I love my feet. OK, OK, so I hate feet as a whole, and I will flip if you try to touch mine (ask my boyfriend, he'll confirm this!) But, at the end of the day, I do love them. They've carried me thousands of miles, through countless marching band rehearsals and games, through races, on walks, hikes, and adventures. They're big, but I guess I need something big to stand on, eh? Thank you, feet!

I love my legs. In conjunction with my feet, they got me through all the aforementioned activities. They're short, they're a bit stocky, but you know what? They're STRONG. There are muscles there that you wouldn't believe! So, so what if I have to buy a size 9 jean sometimes? I'd rather have those muscles to get me around than be able to buy size 0's. Thank you, legs!

Lastly, I love my nose. Honestly, I think my nose is perfect in every physical and aesthetic way. But, I have another reason: I have a crazy sense of smell, and honestly? I attribute 99% of my memories with a smell. For example: Warm Vanilla Sugar perfume? Summer 2003, the summer before college and probably one of if not THE best summer of my life. Whenever I think about high school, I smell hot dogs and popcorn, and the football games I went to and played in the band. To some extent, college as well, but the memory smell also includes that unique aroma of the Superior Dome. The smell of water and boat exhaust reminds me of days at the lake. Bonfire will forever and always take me back to Good Harbor in high school or the Bog in college. You get my drift. For that reason, I love my nose. Thank you, nose!

That's it for today! :) Take some time to thank your body for what it does for you!

30 Days of Self Love Reflection, Day 1

Happy September!

So, I follow a lot of healthy living and wellness blogs. I look to them for inspiration in my own quest to be healthy, to get advice on food and exercise, and just for entertainment at times, because a lot of them are truly funny and talented writers!

Through one of them, Healthy Tipping Point, I was directed to Faith, Fitness, Fun. This blogger, Tina, has started a 30 Days of Self Love Reflection activity on her blog. When I found this, I realized it was something I needed becauseI have been feeling pretty down lately. Also, let's face it, my self-esteem hasn't always been the greatest.

So, I will be following along with that activity on here, starting with this post!

Day 1-Confidence

The question asked was this "What do you have to be confident about?"

The first thing that came to mind was earning my college degree.

Granted, that hasn't led to instant employment, and to be honest I'm not even 100% sold on the idea of being a teacher anymore. Still, the fact is that I put in the work and finished school. That's not an opportunity granted to every person in this world, and even those who do get it don't always finish. In that regard, I am very much a lucky person, and I can hold my head high and say that I did that.

In regards to teaching, I feel confident in that even if I wasn't the greatest French and English teacher, I still made a difference in some students' lives.

Even if it was only the fact that I would sit and talk with them during down moments in class when I was subbing or student teaching, it still makes me feel great. Over the two years I was at my last school, I watched students at the school I worked at open up to me. I looked over poems and writings for other classes, I helped with studying, I talked them through looking at colleges, or just doled out general life advice. It gives me confidence, because it reminds me that, while I may not be a great teacher nor is that maybe what I was meant to do, it shows me that I can work with young people and have them open up to me, which in turn gives me confidence that there is something out there I can do.

Finally, training for a half marathon has given me a ton of confidence in myself.

I set a goal, I worked toward it, and on Saturday I will see that come to fruition. It has not been easy--finding time to run 12 miles, for example, was kind of hard. It meant a lot of time out on the streets and trails by myself, in all kinds of weather. It meant battling aches and pains beyond what I ever thought I could feel. But, I did it! In addition, over-coming the initial nay-sayers gives me confidence. There were many who, while well intentioned, thought I shouldn't do the race, or that I couldn't do it this soon. Proving that wrong makes me feel so confident in my ability to overcome the doubts of others if I never doubt myself.

Stay tuned for more!