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30 Days Catch Up! I did skip a few days (I believe I'm still missing last Friday's and this past Monday's), but I'm going to get to those later. Yesterday, I tried to crank these out and get all caught up at once, and it did not go well. I was so focused on just getting the posts done that I was missing the whole point of an exercise like this--I wasn't really reflecting or giving it any true thought, but just answering a question with the first thing that came to mind. That's not right, and that's not the whole point of a reflection exercise!!
So, moving on...
I noticed as I was working on the
Perspective reflection, I was also hitting on the issues I wanted to discuss in the
Perfection reflection, so I've decided that I am going to combine them.
For me, it seems as if these two topics go hand in hand. When it comes to doing or trying things, I tend to have this default viewpoint: “If it’s not easy or doesn’t seem to come to me naturally, I must not be good at it, so why am I wasting my time?” I see this obsessive and crippling fear of not achieving perfection in almost all the areas of my life, but there are three that I can really see this perspective affecting me negatively.
When I was young, I had no doubts in my mind that I was a writer, and that I could write very well. So, when it came time to start applying for college and for me to consider a career, something in writing seemed to be a natural choice. In the end, I opted for an English/Secondary Education major--that way, I could study and pursue my dream of writing, but I would have the teaching certificate to fall back on to have some kind of job (and we won’t even discuss how that has backfired for me). However, as I progressed in college, I noticed that my writing was being stifled. In retrospect, it was definitely this viewpoint combined with poor support from some of my instructors and peers. I felt that not having an immediate answer to a prompt must mean I’m stupid--wouldn’t a good, smart writer immediately know what she wants to say about this topic? Also, when I couldn’t produce a perfect draft on the first shot, or say exactly the right thing, it must have meant I was a bad writer--someone who is good at this would have hit it on the first try, right? Now, as someone who earned her English Education degree, I know all about the writing process, and how drafting and editing is essential. I even told students along the way that it was OK to go back and fix things, but I could not do that for myself. I expected perfection, and when I (naturally) didn’t achieve that on the first try, I just thought it was my fault, and that I had no talent. This eventually meant that, aside from what I was required to do for my coursework, I stopped writing. Why keep doing it if I’m not that good?
In terms of fitness and being active, this “if it doesn’t come easy, I must not be good at it” viewpoint has hit hard. It has held me back from trying new things, especially in front of people. It even has hit me with running: I’m slow. I run a 5K in 29 minutes. If I’m this slow, why am I bothering with this, and how do I dare call myself a runner? I look silly doing yoga or Pilates--I dropped my yoga class before I even had a chance to go, and quit Pilates after one awkward session with this justification: I don’t know what I’m doing, so why am I doing this?
Finally--as I’ve moved out on my own and had my own kitchen to work in, I’ve found myself really drawn to cooking and baking. However, true to my form, I wind up just staring longingly in to the cupboards and at my pans as I eat yet another sandwich or bowl of cereal. Occasionally, I’ll get brave and try something, but often if I go beyond the simple, I end up with something charred, or completely fallen apart, or in one case a second degree steam burn that literally and figuratively left me scarred for life. Now, living with my boyfriend has added to this crippling insecurity--what if he doesn’t like it? It’s one thing if I screw up and I’m the only one who has to taste it, now I ruin someone else’s meal, too? Therefore, I don’t try, and when I do the whole time I’m thinking, “this is just going to taste bad--why am I wasting food by trying this if it doesn’t work and tastes horrible?”
What has that meant? Well, as I see it, I’m stifling my chances to grow in a lot of ways. Because I know I won’t be perfect at it, I’m not even letting myself try. I haven’t really written in years, outside of what I had to do for class. That was even itself a challenge, because the whole time I would doubt myself and my ability. I chose my degree because I wanted to be a writer, and now I find myself almost completely unable to write because I’m crippled by this insecurity! Or, I may holding myself back from something that I truly could be good at--or more importantly, that I could love--because I’m afraid I look silly and that I shouldn’t even try if it’s not something that comes naturally to me.
How many delicious recipes and meals have I missed because I’m afraid of “wasting” the food on the attempt? More over--how many recipes have I missed out on creating myself because I haven’t let myself even try to start to create it?
But, you know what? No more. And it’s not something I just decided sitting here at the computer writing this blog entry, but something I’ve been really trying to work on for quite a while. The cooking and fitness thing I have been working on since this spring, and while I know I still have a long way to go, I’m at least trying. The writing thing has been something I have come back to in the last few weeks, really since I got up to South Range and left my old life in Marquette behind. Since I am unsure if I have any business in a classroom, I am starting to make sure I write something every day, even if it is just a blog entry (and, actually, most days it usually is just a blog entry) to start and chase that long-lost dream of being a writer.
So, the new affirmation I’m working with: There is no shame in trying! It may not be perfect--a professor might find 17 errors in my grammar and syntax, my legs might not be quite far enough apart in Warrior II, and my attempt at an Oatmeal Breakfast Cookie might be slightly bland and a little gummy, but you know what? Today, I tried. Tomorrow, I’ll try again. There is no shame in giving something a shot.
